A Not-so-brief Introduction

Its funny how I can spend hours and hours hunched over my journals everyday and I think about all the great conversations I can have about the topics that seemingly come out of nowhere, and all the people I can reach out to, learn from, share ideas and inspirations if only I had a way - all the while knowing how easy it would be and simply putting it off.

I have finally set up a way to do just that and I’m stunned to silence. But what will I write? What would people think hearing some of the crazy things that come out? Blah blah blah, the mind bombards me with its programmed doubts!!

My fingers disconnect from the censors of my mind when I write, and that frightens both my mind and my ego, two major control freaks. The idea of breaking through the veil of illusion and having to change their perception of reality frightens them, and when I create it is a much deeper me coaxing my hand along. “I can’t always be held responsible for what comes out,” a scared little me says while another voice inside laughs and calls my bluff … if I’m to be completely honest, on the rare occasion that I actually read what I write, I agree completely.

I suppose this blog is step towards finding my voice. I have been the receptive Yin for long enough, internalizing and planting each idea to be grown in the dark, warm, incubator I call my mind. For those who may not know, Yin is the counterpart of Yang in Chinese philosophy. It is the feminine side of the equation, receptive and able to flow freely.

For a very long time I postponed committing my thoughts to words, and then once I finally moved into words, they came out so sporadically, I would just scrawl illegibly all over whatever writing surface was closest…the majority of the time it would end up on my arm or some crinkled receipt I found in the cracks of the car seats. It seems the only time I ever wrote anything in a somewhat organized manner was when I was BURSTING with “teen angst” (oh, how I hated those words, to me that was the most ignorant phrase in the world- to me that phrase was so limiting…then again everything seemed limiting, which only made me more angry!) I would let it all out in a few explosive pages, and then burn it and hide any sign it ever existed.

It was a healthy way of letting go of those issues- I’d recommend it, although I look back now from a very different place to see all of the negativity I released into the universe to be created, and how much energy I spent in those little sessions that could have been used in more productive ways. I’ve learned so many more techniques for letting go and working through, even working with, emotions that I would recommend before that.

Now that I’ve come to know the powers of creation within every single human on this planet, it is a rare thing for me to write anything coming from that dark place we all dwell in at one time or another. I am so thankful for that.

I started writing in a journal about eight months ago. I had just entered into the most predominant transition I had ever experienced in this short lifetime, and suddenly a switch just turned on inside me. It was the first time I ever felt a drive for self-discipline.

I was in a position where I was able to view myself as something bigger, and so much more rewarding, than a single self-serving organism. Suddenly I actually saw what I thought I had always known. I saw myself as an instrument of all the changes and all the ideals I had believed in so strongly. I was no longer separate from everyone else, I started to really understand how connected we all are- how every action, every word, even every thought affects every single person we come in contact with, and every single person they come in contact with, and so on until one little thought touches every living soul in the world.

I saw it first on a very basic, psychological level. I started thinking about parent/child relationships, the patterns handed down from generation to generation, then I started seeing how every single thing a child comes in contact with stays implanted in their memory and sets patterns for them to follow. So when a child grows up feeling good about their self, they are likely to cause others to feel good about themselves, which in turn will spread, and if a child grows up with self doubt and low self-esteem, they will be likely to spread these negative qualities, since it what they have been taught. I always see it as a web diagram, like a picture of the food chain, how every animal is somehow connected to every other animal.

I traveled through my own psyche, remembering events that I had stored for one reason or another. I could relive them with such detail that I began to notice even the energy in a room or coming from people, even animals, was kept on file in my vast warehouse of memories.

As children, we are very sensitive to even the subtlest energies, this is why many children are able to see spirits, or sense the way people are feeling without needing any words or facial expressions to tell them. As I grew older I remember many different occasions where I consciously hardened myself to this, choosing to ignore the feeling a certain person gave off or the changes in energy going from a room full of happy people to a room filled with gloom. It was a certain conditioning of the brain that a very large percentage of society has undergone. I remember mentioning something about positive/negative energy sometime in high school and being called a stupid stoner hippie.

It’s absurd to deny the simple scientific fact that everything is made up of, and emits, a certain amount of energy and that all energy is interconnected. Therefore, on even the most basic scientific level, every action, word, and every thought and feeling we have emits energy that will eventually affect the energy of every living thing on this planet. Every thought or intent we have is essentially energy we send out to be manifested. I had my first lessons in concept of manifestation sometime around my fourteenth birthday when I read Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. Before I read that book, it was on of many things I had just known but never could put to words. Even if I could, and I wouldn’t have, I was told it was evil to give that much creative credit to myself! It was such a relief to have read about it and I started I observing my power to create my own experiences. Just recently I started learning that there is actually a scientific understanding of this in Quantum physics.

Suddenly I was forced to take responsibility for what I sent out into the universe. Once I really saw how significantly I could affect the world around me, I was no longer able to hide behind the wall of ignorance. The events that brought these changes came so unexpectedly and with such force… the man-made wall stood no chance against nature’s stiff blow. I climbed out of the rubble on shaking legs and as I continue to climb my legs grow more steady with every step.

Although the events shook me, the change was long anticipated and welcomed with open arms. From this place above the rubble I could see my path. There was no way for me to see all of the obstacles on the path, the sharp turns, the ups and downs, jagged ridges or the rest stops where I would catch my breath, camp out, and enjoy the scenery for awhile. This path was in no way set in stone, it was an old-fashioned adventure over uncharted territory. I knew the direction I was heading and the destination was becoming more and more clear. I had been walking this path blindly for so long and now I could see it more clearly I decided to take the opportunity to map out a few routes, making plans and playfully setting goals. I began preparing myself more consciously for the journey I had long ago embarked on, but only recently became more aware of.

I started writing in the journal a dear friend gave me the day the wall fell. Something in me needed to communicate. It was more than that, it was a way for me to organize myself, starting with the least organized place I knew- my own mind. It was also a way for me to work on finally committing myself to something. Writing everyday became conditioning exercises for my mind. I have actually started writing in about four different journals since then, for my different states of mind and moods and ideas…I don’t know if that’s organization or simply a sign of insanity! One for each voice!

When I started writing, my words were never really meant to stay hidden in a journal and tucked away in a secret place, that was something I understood clearly, though the reasons have changed since then. It’s a feeling that nags at me more and more lately- it says “Talk to people! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain! Stop pretending to be such a loner! Expand!!! Get to know the human race you love so dearly!” It tells me its time to start a more expressive stage in my life, to balance the receptive Yin with the outgoing and more direct Yang. I enter this stage without expectations, but full of trust.

I am reminded every day that humanity is ready to expand its awareness. The events that cause this shift in awareness may be devastating to many, we grow attached to our walls of ignorance…humankind has built entire empires of ignorance to hide behind. I think of the three little pigs fable when I think of this- its like building an entire empire out of twigs, it doesn’t stand a chance against the laws of nature. This blow, however, has been expected for centuries. The abuse we have dealt to our home, Mother Earth, especially in this last century, will not escape the laws of cause and effect. There are measures we can take now to prepare ourselves and possibly soften natures blow. I recommend everyone read these:

http://www.davidsuzuki.org/Publications/Climate_Change_Reports/default.asp
http://www.tomkenyon.com/hathors/hathors8.html
http://www.spiritual-endeavors.org/basic/hopi-elders.htm

There is no questioning the inevitable fall of ignorance…as we climb out of the rubble into awareness it will be a change long anticipated and welcomed with open arms.