I suppose now that its been plenty of time and know that no one will be checking this site- i can start writing again.
Huhh...Start writing again...

It seems all i ever had to write before were either complaints or prayers, or complaints followed by prayers. No one saw the written complaints, only few saw the prayer.

what will you think of me if you really knew me? i really know me, and i think i'm great...most of the time...even in times while i cut myself up into little tiny pieces and scorn at the bloody mess i've made.

It is in those dark times that i stop writing. i stop painting. stop moving. i close my heart up even from my self. i keep the illusions, the actions of giving and serving and loving and smiling, but with a closed heart none of this exists.

i stay quiet. i know this too will pass. i boil and freeze in this blessed and worthless stillness at the same time. i have cried myself to sleep while laughing in my dreams. This human phase will soon be through. i remind my self. shine like a star, and then simply explode and turn to dust. it is a joke. it is fun, this sad/hilarious dark/light experience.

what if i didn't only

why is it that i want

sadness is a part of the human experience, but still i do not want to share my sadness with any of you.

when i was very young and felt sad or angry i wrote it down- it felt good- and then i burned it. i act now in a similar matter when i pray- i write what i create, then burn it and release it to be manifested. when i was young i never burned my sadness to create more of it though (i did plenty to feed it otherwise). i burned the ink-filled paper so that no one would ever know my sadness.

this sadness i have hidden (though unsuccessfully, as those who know me well have witnessed) has been with me since my first memories in this body.

i remember so much...the claustrophobic panic that accompanied my journeys back from the freedom of the astral and infinite, back to my finite and puny, infantile human body. the homesickness that follows me throughout these planes is like this unquenchable thirst. it is unquenchable only because the thirst itself has never been true. how can i thirst for something that has ever been within and of me?
my sadness is not my own, and yet i coddle and carry it wherever i go because if i do not then i will lose that which i fear. we build so much of our identity around and on that which we fear as a human being. without my fears, i will have to be my true self, and my true self is not human at all...
all this temporal bullshit...fuck

Ode to Mother Moon

Give thanks!
Bond with the moon and kiss the soft grit of the earth beneath you.. Liberate your blossoming wings, fly no matter where you are or who your with.
Fly through the open fields
make love to the plump shadow of a tree
let the richness of the colors crush you into delirium
throw your arms up and weave your fingers through thick, clear wisdom of constellations
let your serpentine spine mimic the breeze
be caressed by the tinkle tinkle of dancing diamonds
laugh, love, sing, embrace, savor life!
Give thanks.

Very often when I go to write with something specific in mind, I end up losing it due to excessive thinking. Lately when I do this I end up just writing two or three fragmented sentences to my self, and then I stop writing, too absorbed in…truth. This time I would write this: Life is beautiful beyond words. Sooner than later people will start being more conscious of this truth. Reality is created in the eyes of the beholder.

I am here to serve.

The secret to a simple life is simplicity. Simply put. There is no secret! Stop trying to complicate simplicity.

Stop looking for excuses, this life will end, ENJOY living it!
LIVE TO LIVE! Walk to walk, breathe to breathe, dance to dance, love to love, sit to sit, write to write, see to see… to be or not to be…its your choice….that’s the whole point to this whole human existence thing

BE GREATFUL FOR EVERYTHING

Drop the act! Speak when you feel compelled to, the outward is an extension of the inward, find what is blocking that transition point- It is ok that you don’t say what’s nagging to be said though, don’t get frustrated… you speak through your life…actions are louder and clearer than words… I am certain of this.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO CREATE

Souvenirs

I also wanted to share two of the best souvenirs from the trip. Kelli and I like to make drawings with the people we meet- the dog/dragon is a collaboration with the Spaniards at the fishing refuge and the second was on the beach at San Sebastian with Josh and Lee.

Well, its been quite awhile since I first wrote. I feel I’ve abandoned this whole thing, simply because the first entry was too long and I didn’t feel like shortening it up. I haven’t actually even given this link out yet. I realize now I don’t need to shorten it up, simply don’t read it if you don’t want to. I tend to get a bit lengthy without realizing it, and that will most likely continue- so simply stop reading anytime, that is perfectly fine with me, but I will not cut myself short.

I’ve had such an adventure in these last few weeks that I don’t know where to begin. It seems foolish to even try to recount the events for the same reason I did not take photos, there is simply no way to capture the beauty. Nor is there reason in trying to capture it in any sort of external form, because the real beauty is the experience, and my experience has everything to do with my perception, and perception is unique to each individual. Trying to recreate it could never do it justice.

I often find this frustrating when I try to write or paint or imagine the way I would capture something on film- I can never recreate an exact replica of my unique perspective for someone else because, in the words of Dr. Wayne Dyer, “when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

But I will try summarize the events of the last two weeks anyway- perhaps simply for the chance that it will inspire another to trust in their intuition and take a leap of faith into the unknown, whether it be hitching a ride cross-country, or tonight’s dinner plans… only good can come from really listening to that inner voice.

Over two weeks ago Kelli and I set out in our loyal 1984 Renault, Aggy, for what was to be a one night camping trip in a Spanish desert someone had told us about. As we set out, without much of a map, knowing only that we planned on avoiding the Pyrenees mountain range (Aggy loves being on the road, but is just not much of a climber) I silently promised Aggy we could stay wherever she decided to stop.

Of course we found ourselves surrounded by winding mountain roads in all directions, certainly far away from anything flat or desert-like. We were losing light and poor Aggy was exhausted, so we began our search for nothing less than the perfect campsite. We found ourselves broken down on a turbulent little road following signs to the site that felt right. Four joyful mountain climbing Spaniards adopted us and we spent the night laughing and trying to communicate under the full moon in a small fisherman’s refuge. Aggy ran perfectly in the morning.


That day we went from climbing through the snowcapped peaks in Ordesa National Park to the beautiful beach of San Sebastian. We stayed two days and then I left Aggy and Kelli for a camper named Gretta and two beautiful men heading for Portugal. We spent a couple of lovely days in Lisbon and then Lee got on a plane home to California and Josh to Denmark to meet his family.


I hadn’t made any plans past that point, I knew the way the universe works, I knew whatever happened would happen in the exact perfect way it happened…but for almost twenty-four hours I forgot. My debit card hadn’t been working and I received an fraudulent email saying my account was locked due to possible theft. I, becoming so fearful and uncertain, started imagining all the terrible things that could happen to an American girl stranded without money or a place to stay. I spent the day worrying, too afraid to leave the campsite, and missed a great opportunity with a contact of Josh’s. All of my self assurances were being tested big time and I felt like a failure.

I had just enough for a hostel that night and a bus ticket to Barcelona where I would reunite with Kelli and her friend Tracy. The hostel room I found was the last in the area, the man at the front desk was very kind and gave me a big room with a bathroom for nearly half the price. In the morning I set off to buy a bus ticket. With a furrowed forehead and nearly in tears after running around the city all morning, feeling hopeless in finding a ticket for the amount I had, and terribly sorry for myself I sunk into a seat away from anyone else on the metro.

To the left of me a young boy began down the isle of the train sounding a crimson accordion, a dog the size of the rat sat on his shoulder, holding a wire fastened to a clear plastic cup for donations in his tiny little mouth. As they passed I dropped a very modest amount of change in the cup, smiled at the boy and scratched behind the little dog’s ear. Though the boy did not smile back, as they continued I was so effected by the amount of joy and companionship this little duo radiated.

Everyone else on the train seemed mildly irritated, but there was one other man who shared my enthusiasm. Not thirty seconds after the boy moved to the next car I was blessed with the most head-splitting, boisterous laughter I have ever heard, caused without a doubt from the spectacle of the duo. I watched as the man draped in dirt-caked brown layers made his way towards me, nearly falling over many times in his screaming fit of laughter, until finally collapsing into the seat next to me. He was a giant two year old, perhaps with nothing more than the clothes on his back and his amusement. His mirth was intoxicating.

I entered that train in tears of self pity, and when I exited I was in tears of gratitude. I was reminded of how truly blessed I am. The night before I had a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a nice hot bath- more than half the world population could say! Yet, that half was probably the most joyful! I had nothing to complain about.

Of course, I found a bus ticket at the exact right price- although it was for the next evening, leaving me with 7 euros to stretch over two day…my sureness in the universe was revived. I met another angel at the bus station, a very sweet German Erasmus student named Benjamin. Benjamin invited me to camp with him and his friends on the beach that night. It worked out perfectly- I had sent out my wish to spend some time on the Portuguese beaches days before. We found the perfect spot right before dark, and I spent the night drinking cheap wine with a diverse and wonderful group of new friends.

That morning we found ourselves in the company of angry surfer dudes who were serious about their territory, about a hundred meters from a lovely nude beach. There was friction for the first half of the morning, but both the native surfers and foreign campers learned to share and it was a glorious day.

After an interesting 20 hour transitional period on a bus across Spain, I spent the next day on the Mediterranean beaches of beautiful Barcelona. Barcelona is an amazing city, one that could fill ten pages, but I’ll just leave it as amazing here. I feel a lot of time in my future will be spent in Barcelona.


On our way back home through the south of France, Kelli, Tracy, and I decided to spend the night in Renne les Bains. I had been to Renne les Bains once before with Kelli and Grandma, it is an area I felt a very strong connection to, and an area I knew I would return to. The first time we were there we had a prayer ceremony next to the little river. Grandma, Kelli, and I all wrote down all that we were thankful for and all we wished to manifest. I asked for guidance from the Cosmic Mother, for teachers in the Essene ways of living, and was thankful to be an instrument of peace and unconditional love. We wrote it all down, and burnt it, letting our prayers go into the universe to be created.

Kelli, Tracy, and I didn’t arrive in Renne les Bains until nearly eleven o’clock at night. There was only one room left in the little village! We had a fantastic night’s sleep and in the morning sat down to breakfast completely encircled by the very teachers I had asked for!!

After bathing in the hot springs and a little more exploration of Renne le Château we camped that night in fairyland with an amazing couple. The next day was such a beautiful one. Being in nature always brings me back to my childhood of climbing trees, flying through the meadows, playing in cold creeks. Around noon we sat down for a picnic with new friends and a day of bliss-filled teachings. It was truly enchanting.











I’m happy to be home now, it gives me time to reflect on what I’ve learned these last few weeks. I’ve learned to trust…period. Trust in my intuition, in people, in the natural flow of life, in whatever comes next. I learned that there are truly angels everywhere I go, whether they know it or not. I was fed, sheltered, clothed, listened to, loved, and taught by complete strangers who became dear friends. I am eternally greatful. In following my bliss I found all I needed to do was turn inward…

Ask and you shall receive.
May each of you trust in your deepest inner yearning.
May each of you find your bliss.


Oh, and if you haven’t read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, I strongly recommend it. I found a lot of wonderful lessons that helped a great deal in this book!

I COME IN PEACE!

A Not-so-brief Introduction

Its funny how I can spend hours and hours hunched over my journals everyday and I think about all the great conversations I can have about the topics that seemingly come out of nowhere, and all the people I can reach out to, learn from, share ideas and inspirations if only I had a way - all the while knowing how easy it would be and simply putting it off.

I have finally set up a way to do just that and I’m stunned to silence. But what will I write? What would people think hearing some of the crazy things that come out? Blah blah blah, the mind bombards me with its programmed doubts!!

My fingers disconnect from the censors of my mind when I write, and that frightens both my mind and my ego, two major control freaks. The idea of breaking through the veil of illusion and having to change their perception of reality frightens them, and when I create it is a much deeper me coaxing my hand along. “I can’t always be held responsible for what comes out,” a scared little me says while another voice inside laughs and calls my bluff … if I’m to be completely honest, on the rare occasion that I actually read what I write, I agree completely.

I suppose this blog is step towards finding my voice. I have been the receptive Yin for long enough, internalizing and planting each idea to be grown in the dark, warm, incubator I call my mind. For those who may not know, Yin is the counterpart of Yang in Chinese philosophy. It is the feminine side of the equation, receptive and able to flow freely.

For a very long time I postponed committing my thoughts to words, and then once I finally moved into words, they came out so sporadically, I would just scrawl illegibly all over whatever writing surface was closest…the majority of the time it would end up on my arm or some crinkled receipt I found in the cracks of the car seats. It seems the only time I ever wrote anything in a somewhat organized manner was when I was BURSTING with “teen angst” (oh, how I hated those words, to me that was the most ignorant phrase in the world- to me that phrase was so limiting…then again everything seemed limiting, which only made me more angry!) I would let it all out in a few explosive pages, and then burn it and hide any sign it ever existed.

It was a healthy way of letting go of those issues- I’d recommend it, although I look back now from a very different place to see all of the negativity I released into the universe to be created, and how much energy I spent in those little sessions that could have been used in more productive ways. I’ve learned so many more techniques for letting go and working through, even working with, emotions that I would recommend before that.

Now that I’ve come to know the powers of creation within every single human on this planet, it is a rare thing for me to write anything coming from that dark place we all dwell in at one time or another. I am so thankful for that.

I started writing in a journal about eight months ago. I had just entered into the most predominant transition I had ever experienced in this short lifetime, and suddenly a switch just turned on inside me. It was the first time I ever felt a drive for self-discipline.

I was in a position where I was able to view myself as something bigger, and so much more rewarding, than a single self-serving organism. Suddenly I actually saw what I thought I had always known. I saw myself as an instrument of all the changes and all the ideals I had believed in so strongly. I was no longer separate from everyone else, I started to really understand how connected we all are- how every action, every word, even every thought affects every single person we come in contact with, and every single person they come in contact with, and so on until one little thought touches every living soul in the world.

I saw it first on a very basic, psychological level. I started thinking about parent/child relationships, the patterns handed down from generation to generation, then I started seeing how every single thing a child comes in contact with stays implanted in their memory and sets patterns for them to follow. So when a child grows up feeling good about their self, they are likely to cause others to feel good about themselves, which in turn will spread, and if a child grows up with self doubt and low self-esteem, they will be likely to spread these negative qualities, since it what they have been taught. I always see it as a web diagram, like a picture of the food chain, how every animal is somehow connected to every other animal.

I traveled through my own psyche, remembering events that I had stored for one reason or another. I could relive them with such detail that I began to notice even the energy in a room or coming from people, even animals, was kept on file in my vast warehouse of memories.

As children, we are very sensitive to even the subtlest energies, this is why many children are able to see spirits, or sense the way people are feeling without needing any words or facial expressions to tell them. As I grew older I remember many different occasions where I consciously hardened myself to this, choosing to ignore the feeling a certain person gave off or the changes in energy going from a room full of happy people to a room filled with gloom. It was a certain conditioning of the brain that a very large percentage of society has undergone. I remember mentioning something about positive/negative energy sometime in high school and being called a stupid stoner hippie.

It’s absurd to deny the simple scientific fact that everything is made up of, and emits, a certain amount of energy and that all energy is interconnected. Therefore, on even the most basic scientific level, every action, word, and every thought and feeling we have emits energy that will eventually affect the energy of every living thing on this planet. Every thought or intent we have is essentially energy we send out to be manifested. I had my first lessons in concept of manifestation sometime around my fourteenth birthday when I read Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. Before I read that book, it was on of many things I had just known but never could put to words. Even if I could, and I wouldn’t have, I was told it was evil to give that much creative credit to myself! It was such a relief to have read about it and I started I observing my power to create my own experiences. Just recently I started learning that there is actually a scientific understanding of this in Quantum physics.

Suddenly I was forced to take responsibility for what I sent out into the universe. Once I really saw how significantly I could affect the world around me, I was no longer able to hide behind the wall of ignorance. The events that brought these changes came so unexpectedly and with such force… the man-made wall stood no chance against nature’s stiff blow. I climbed out of the rubble on shaking legs and as I continue to climb my legs grow more steady with every step.

Although the events shook me, the change was long anticipated and welcomed with open arms. From this place above the rubble I could see my path. There was no way for me to see all of the obstacles on the path, the sharp turns, the ups and downs, jagged ridges or the rest stops where I would catch my breath, camp out, and enjoy the scenery for awhile. This path was in no way set in stone, it was an old-fashioned adventure over uncharted territory. I knew the direction I was heading and the destination was becoming more and more clear. I had been walking this path blindly for so long and now I could see it more clearly I decided to take the opportunity to map out a few routes, making plans and playfully setting goals. I began preparing myself more consciously for the journey I had long ago embarked on, but only recently became more aware of.

I started writing in the journal a dear friend gave me the day the wall fell. Something in me needed to communicate. It was more than that, it was a way for me to organize myself, starting with the least organized place I knew- my own mind. It was also a way for me to work on finally committing myself to something. Writing everyday became conditioning exercises for my mind. I have actually started writing in about four different journals since then, for my different states of mind and moods and ideas…I don’t know if that’s organization or simply a sign of insanity! One for each voice!

When I started writing, my words were never really meant to stay hidden in a journal and tucked away in a secret place, that was something I understood clearly, though the reasons have changed since then. It’s a feeling that nags at me more and more lately- it says “Talk to people! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain! Stop pretending to be such a loner! Expand!!! Get to know the human race you love so dearly!” It tells me its time to start a more expressive stage in my life, to balance the receptive Yin with the outgoing and more direct Yang. I enter this stage without expectations, but full of trust.

I am reminded every day that humanity is ready to expand its awareness. The events that cause this shift in awareness may be devastating to many, we grow attached to our walls of ignorance…humankind has built entire empires of ignorance to hide behind. I think of the three little pigs fable when I think of this- its like building an entire empire out of twigs, it doesn’t stand a chance against the laws of nature. This blow, however, has been expected for centuries. The abuse we have dealt to our home, Mother Earth, especially in this last century, will not escape the laws of cause and effect. There are measures we can take now to prepare ourselves and possibly soften natures blow. I recommend everyone read these:

http://www.davidsuzuki.org/Publications/Climate_Change_Reports/default.asp
http://www.tomkenyon.com/hathors/hathors8.html
http://www.spiritual-endeavors.org/basic/hopi-elders.htm

There is no questioning the inevitable fall of ignorance…as we climb out of the rubble into awareness it will be a change long anticipated and welcomed with open arms.

oo la la france pictures

My True Angelic Nature

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